Disheartened

Indeed, it was a disparaging day for me. It shouldn't fall on a Friday, a festive-atmospheric weekend like this.

The feeling of being breathed down your neck is intolerable. I hate myself for being unassertive at times, hence causing unnecessary misunderstandings and awkward situations. I hate myself for often being the saint and yet being deemed as the devil. In the end, I end up feeling self-reproached and lousy. Do I really deserve all these? I abhor this treatment.

I really ponder over the same thing again and again. Why are humans so complicated? Human emotions are such unnerving and compelling elements that serve to wreck and weaken your propensity, making you fallible and vulnerable to all things exposed.

I long to be someone ordinary. But it doesn't seem to materialise wherever I go, whatever I do. My life doesn't need to command such mind-entangling stories. But it's happening almost constantly, in every phase and chapter of my life. Only I know it deep within because I knew how my life has been ruled and how it will be ruled.

I really do not know how to extricate myself from these soul-boggling episodes.

I know I should learn. I know I'll learn, but I do not know when I can fully learn.