Loss

A fine and promising young man. An unanticipated tragedy that leaves his love ones powerless and in despair who can only wish he's really rid of physical torture and that Heaven will look after him thereafter forever.

He is her best friend, her confidante and her boyfriend for 9 years. A relationship which has tested itself though various trials and tribulations.

He has departed from this world.

Loss engulfs so much helplessness and agony. Far beyond what anyone with the most sanity can handle. And even more when that loss is not least visualised. But of course, who can prophesize death's arrival? We are all at the mercy of death, aren't we?

This post is for my friend who has lost someone so dear to her. Someone in her life who's supposed to pave their bright future together and share bliss even in the simplest forms. They can't do that anymore. Fate decreed that heartlessly.

My dearest friend. Your ability to be strong and take care of your own self is all he wants to see in the other world. I'm sure you are going to show him that you can do it.

I know nothing can transcend beyond deep anguish to ease you now. Just let the pain sink into you. I know it's piercing. Please hang on there.

Just feel hurt until you no longer hurt anymore.

It may be infinity. It's alright.

No matter how long it takes. It will be over someday.

*HUGS*

I looked at myself and I feel like sneering myself silly.

Because I cannot pursue any logical sense anymore. Perhaps it's meant to be illogical but there's got to be this realization that strikes you and you immediately redeem yourself from it.

But fuck no. I'm still not doing it. Just when then?

I quite had enough but it's just amazing how you wield my innermost emotions when you least want it and the ultimate flopper is still me.

It feels so right to sneer at myself. I just so deserve it.

It's near

Even if the departure's nearing us and there should be some bidding of farewell of some sort, I still hope the affinity prolongs.

We will make it happen, right?

I just watched Macbeth by Singapore Repertory Theatre in Fort Canning Park.

Yet another brilliant rendition of this classic Shakespeare play and it rekindled fond memories of literature classes with Mr Perrin during secondary school days.

I just feel like reading it all over again.

Unspoken

I think we'll never change
And our hearts will always separate
Forget about you
I'll forget about you
The things we never say
Are better often left alone
Forget about you
I'll forget about this time

But it's the same old situation
We made it through this far
We watched the rockets kissed the sky
I saw the flames burn out in your eyes

Nothing that I do
Will ever be good enough for you
Whatever I do, whatever I do
Take me as I am
I'll never be the other man
Forget about you
I'll forget about this time

So won't you save this conversation
And find a better time?
Don't you ever understand
That if it hurts I'll do whatever I can?

And if it's set in motion
I'll watch it all pass by
And leave the rest unspoken
I'll never change my mind

Leave it unspoken, leave it unspoken
Leave it unspoken, leave it unspoken now

So just let me go
I won't change my mind
I'd rather be lonely
Than be by your side
And nothing you say
Could save us this time
I'd rather be lonely

I've never felt so ravenous in a while, for everything that have been suppressed.

I'm almost saturated.

I need an infinite soul.

And I really begin to ponder.

Did I really bestow you the power to hurt me? If so, I think you have quite succeeded. It's almost akin to die a thousand deaths but after every resurrection , I fail to fathom why I still allow hurt from you to persist.

Truth is, time and time again I have not come to terms with coping the fear of losing you. I have hence chosen to capitulate to my vulnerabilities.

I think I am afterall feeble despite portraying a solitary image and I need a lot of affection as well. Have you ever known?

Have you ever known that you disappoint me at times too? But I never question for once, for I have no rights to. Did that mean I do not have any expectations of you? I'd be lying if I said no. But still, I know I have no rights to.

I'm already disillusioned how enough is enough I need to have, for I breathe on how much you can only give me. And even though you don't give, I survive on my own devotion. And this seems to go on and on.

Now I wished the power I gave to you to hurt me can metamorphose into something you use to bring me out of my own familiar suffering I've been deeply attached to. But I clearly know I can only do this myself.

Perhaps you didn't hurt me afterall. It was just me who inflicted hurt on myself all along, and I don't know how to end this. Awesome.