Bkk with my girlies

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing direction. You change direction, but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm is not something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside yo...u. So all you can do is give in to it, step right into the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand does not get in, and walk through it, step by step. There is no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverised bones. That is the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.”

— Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

If I could experience a sandstorm right now and emerge as a freer person all over again.

Incapacitated

I have been completely submissive to my own vulnerabilities the past couple of weeks. Numerous imageries and words kept flowing back to me and I wished they just vanish upon recollection. It's hard riddance I realized. Yet it has to be attained no matter what.

It felt like a form of loss somehow. It's unbearable. I don't know how I managed to fight and grapple with my inner emotions the past 2 years. But at least you were still there physically, in good times or bad. You were felt. And I think it was almost sufficient. Of course I was naive to have that thought. But it filled me up and nothing else seemed to matter.

But now I'm fully aware, nothing will ever bring those times back again. And it pains me whenever I think of it. Not even you, as a friend for me. Isn't it? But I can be so sure that I will still be there for you, if you need me to. But I know this does not matter anymore. Because you have someone who can do that for you now.

If true happiness is what you are experiencing right now, I suppose that was the only thing I wished it could happen to you someday.

It will get better...