Happy Birthday to you

How did your day go? I hope you got a surprise present even if you were at work.

Never mind if your day didn't end well. I've already hoped the best for you.

Just the simplest nice wishes one can ever receive.

Happy Birthday.

Addiction

Addiction to you is bad I know. But I'm still not ceasing it.

I really don't know how to proceed anymore.

Last feat for the year

I did it! Under 7 hours. The promise I made to myself after last year's grueling 8 hr 18 mins. :)

Whoever you are to me, I just don't wish to lose you. I hope you know. Please do.

How do you really feel to be always on the receiving end of my care and affection?

Take for granted or do you truly appreciate it?

I just want the truth. So that it's easier to move on.

Not in tandem again.

All I want is for us to be in sync, even just for a while.

Can you materialise that?

More of you now

Yeah. I initially thought you were gonna be out of my life. But now it's utterly wrong. Why do I feel that you're more and more part of my life instead? Just like before, or even more. The logic shouldn't work that way.

I've set several timelines for myself. And it has been proven futile. I don't want any more timelines. But where do I go from here? I'm still revolving around in the same fruitless cycle. I'm sick of myself going through this.

I miss you more than what I expected.

It's real

21km completed! Running on trail and sand is no easy task. Phew.

Please last for a while

I haven't had this disentangled feeling for god knows how long.

I didn't know it can be this easy. So all the while I was coiling and wrapping myself up with complexities which almost paralysed me. I'm glad I still emerged.

I hope this unwinding process lasts for a while. I have had quite enough.

你

It's still you. I just don't know how.

PS-ed

In just a while...

Your prescence is going to be evaporated soon. And how I wished before that really happens, I can grasp hold of something I finally understand.

But it's not going to happen and I wonder if I'll ever snap out of this somewhat mental mutilating game I've been playing with myself all these while. A game that I've already felt numb clinging on to it. It is probably just sheer irrationality and stupidity but I still indulge wholeheartedly.

I know it's beckoning. I really know it. But I wished somehow it's still not going to happen if I chose to remain where we are now. But I'm left with no options. You didn't leave me any choices right from the start, did you? Perhaps you know you shouldn't.

It's alright. I'll just let it sink until it reaches the bottom of my heart and it will just really diffuse on its own.

It takes only a while, doesn't it? I really hope so.

Sunrise from Mt Kinabalu

This has got to be the most epic and momentous picture for the whole trip.

I wished I'm running on an unlimited battery that never bails out. Revitalisation!

For this summit

I don't think I'll do it again. But I'm so proud of myself nonetheless!

Approaching another one

"Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new center of gravity. Don't fight them. Just find a different way to stand."

-Oprah Winfrey

5 more days...

... to Kota Kinabalu climb! I simply can't wait to torture my legs. :)

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind...

And so, I have almost realised that it may be coming to a halt soon. Though inside me, I still very much like to retain that connection I have felt for these period of time.

Everytime I try to tighten that gap between us, it seems futile and I end up feeling forlorn. It has been too many times and I have forgotten how to feel for it anymore.

I know very well that I'm still trapped in my own poor soul. I have been trying to be strong and reminded myself that somehow it will be over without much effort on my own.

But I hope you know, I'll still be there. Please bear that in mind.

Because you are real

"Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago. Maybe the star doesn't even exist anymore. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything."

-From South of the Border, West of the Sun ~ Haruki Murakami

For the grand climb

No bukit timah hill training today due to wet weather so I ran a 5km and did a 50-storey climb up and down. Manageable but really takes hell of an effort. I think this is just a very meager part of what is really needed for the KK climb next month.

I'm truly intimidated. But still gonna thrive on for the grand climb. My supposedly biggest achievement of this year, accompanied by the rest of the running events taking place for the 2nd half of the year.

I'm so going to be stronger than ever.

My blog hits finally reached the 10000th mark! :)

I hope my prayers will be answered.

Weak

I'm dead beat after spending a whole humid day at Marina Barrage today. I was even contending with my own determination whether or not to go for a 5km run when I come home but hell no, I just had no single ounce of energy left. It was zapped up just like that. I feel so weak, physically and mentally.

I have so much in mind, but I simply can't think properly now. I shall leave myself to think about it in my dreams later perhaps.

Colourless

I really wonder how many times of clarifications I need to make until I realized there is no need to anymore.

Everytime it happens, I cringe and fear the subsequent time. It really shouldn't be the way. But I let it happen to me everytime.

Time for another round. Should I do it? I think I will. Because you really matter.

Duffy - Hanging On Too Long

I know it's wrong hanging on too long...

Grasping hard to let go of longings and expectations of you and cling on to unconditionalities instead.

I really hope I'll be happier this way.

Hurts - Blood, Tears & Gold

An awesome live version of Blood, Tears & Gold by Hurts. I'm charmed.

5th one and counting...

I wished you knew

I wished you knew that even if I don't exhibit my feelings, it doesn't mean that I don't bleed.

And when I do profusely, I wished you knew how that really hurts.

At times, I wished you knew your words and your actions have such a blemishing impact on me.

I wished you knew I've been weakened mentally by you because it's always such an exhaustive struggle putting up with myself to regain that slight logic and sanity back.

I wished you knew I truly care and taking you for granted has never crossed my mind at all.

And I wished you had thought the same about me. But do you?

I really wished you knew how I feel about you. You knew it, don't you?

So why? I wished I knew now.

From " Sputnik Sweetheart"

"In dreams you don't need to make any distinction between things. Not at all. Boundaries don't exist. So in dreams there are hardly ever collisions. Even if there are, they don't hurt. Reality is different. Reality bites. Reality, reality."

-Haruki Murakami

Still in a state of stupor so I need to scour for some new injections of zest somewhere.

I hope it's not a vicious cycle. I'm not going to be manipulated like that

Hope the weekend treats me well.

I miss you

I just spoke to my heart and I really just wished you knew right now that I've been missing you.

It was a week exited way too scarily fast and now I can only wished time had actually crawled just a little slower for me to grasp what has really happened and view things in clearer perspective during the last week.

Amusingly true, I even need to RUN to the loo in an effort to save time.

Everything seems to be lost in time's transit. One hour passed like three hours. Almost traumatizing enough. I almost forgot to breathe.

Even 14-15 hrs work in a day ain't sufficient. I wished I can stretch further. I will do it if I still have the power to do so. Because I know this is what I have chosen and I need to prove to myself and those who know I'm worth it that this career decision is the best I've ever made for myself.

Expecting steeper challenges but heck, just give it to me. No more comfort zone please. I'll do just fine.

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning."

-Elizabeth Warnock Fernea

When I tried so hard to steer you away rationally, you just intrude without much effort and impregnate my mind all over again.

It's almost impossible to do it, I realise.

Loss

A fine and promising young man. An unanticipated tragedy that leaves his love ones powerless and in despair who can only wish he's really rid of physical torture and that Heaven will look after him thereafter forever.

He is her best friend, her confidante and her boyfriend for 9 years. A relationship which has tested itself though various trials and tribulations.

He has departed from this world.

Loss engulfs so much helplessness and agony. Far beyond what anyone with the most sanity can handle. And even more when that loss is not least visualised. But of course, who can prophesize death's arrival? We are all at the mercy of death, aren't we?

This post is for my friend who has lost someone so dear to her. Someone in her life who's supposed to pave their bright future together and share bliss even in the simplest forms. They can't do that anymore. Fate decreed that heartlessly.

My dearest friend. Your ability to be strong and take care of your own self is all he wants to see in the other world. I'm sure you are going to show him that you can do it.

I know nothing can transcend beyond deep anguish to ease you now. Just let the pain sink into you. I know it's piercing. Please hang on there.

Just feel hurt until you no longer hurt anymore.

It may be infinity. It's alright.

No matter how long it takes. It will be over someday.

*HUGS*

I looked at myself and I feel like sneering myself silly.

Because I cannot pursue any logical sense anymore. Perhaps it's meant to be illogical but there's got to be this realization that strikes you and you immediately redeem yourself from it.

But fuck no. I'm still not doing it. Just when then?

I quite had enough but it's just amazing how you wield my innermost emotions when you least want it and the ultimate flopper is still me.

It feels so right to sneer at myself. I just so deserve it.

It's near

Even if the departure's nearing us and there should be some bidding of farewell of some sort, I still hope the affinity prolongs.

We will make it happen, right?

I just watched Macbeth by Singapore Repertory Theatre in Fort Canning Park.

Yet another brilliant rendition of this classic Shakespeare play and it rekindled fond memories of literature classes with Mr Perrin during secondary school days.

I just feel like reading it all over again.

Unspoken

I think we'll never change
And our hearts will always separate
Forget about you
I'll forget about you
The things we never say
Are better often left alone
Forget about you
I'll forget about this time

But it's the same old situation
We made it through this far
We watched the rockets kissed the sky
I saw the flames burn out in your eyes

Nothing that I do
Will ever be good enough for you
Whatever I do, whatever I do
Take me as I am
I'll never be the other man
Forget about you
I'll forget about this time

So won't you save this conversation
And find a better time?
Don't you ever understand
That if it hurts I'll do whatever I can?

And if it's set in motion
I'll watch it all pass by
And leave the rest unspoken
I'll never change my mind

Leave it unspoken, leave it unspoken
Leave it unspoken, leave it unspoken now

So just let me go
I won't change my mind
I'd rather be lonely
Than be by your side
And nothing you say
Could save us this time
I'd rather be lonely

I've never felt so ravenous in a while, for everything that have been suppressed.

I'm almost saturated.

I need an infinite soul.

And I really begin to ponder.

Did I really bestow you the power to hurt me? If so, I think you have quite succeeded. It's almost akin to die a thousand deaths but after every resurrection , I fail to fathom why I still allow hurt from you to persist.

Truth is, time and time again I have not come to terms with coping the fear of losing you. I have hence chosen to capitulate to my vulnerabilities.

I think I am afterall feeble despite portraying a solitary image and I need a lot of affection as well. Have you ever known?

Have you ever known that you disappoint me at times too? But I never question for once, for I have no rights to. Did that mean I do not have any expectations of you? I'd be lying if I said no. But still, I know I have no rights to.

I'm already disillusioned how enough is enough I need to have, for I breathe on how much you can only give me. And even though you don't give, I survive on my own devotion. And this seems to go on and on.

Now I wished the power I gave to you to hurt me can metamorphose into something you use to bring me out of my own familiar suffering I've been deeply attached to. But I clearly know I can only do this myself.

Perhaps you didn't hurt me afterall. It was just me who inflicted hurt on myself all along, and I don't know how to end this. Awesome.

Korea peeks

I love my gfs for making the trip a great one!

A break finally

Mad rush of packing after only leaving office at 8pm. I feel so settled and at ease with myself now. So glad I'm feeling this way because I should be and not otherwise.

Annyeong Haseyo Seoul Iliwa na!

"But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time."

-Mitch Albom

dZihan and Kamien - Homebase

I'm so enraptured in this piece of music and I don't mind getting drunk on it every night.

Just a little longer

I was overwhelmed by too much reflections and sentiments on the way home just now.

And I wished it was a never-ending route back home.

Why? Because I enjoy that intoxicated yet melancholic feeling and wished it could last just a little longer.

Just a little longer... or perhaps it doesn't work after all.

Because every prolonging of time only proves to be more difficult for the heart to break free.

I no longer comprehend clearly what is it out of time I really want to achieve, or out of you I really want to possess.

Should things remain the way they are?

If not, how much longer? Just how much longer?

I did it and I got it. Hello to new adventures, aspirations and outlook in life!

Just your smile

I know I'll never be a form of subsistence in you. But I know all I covet for is just your smile at the end of the day. I mean it.

Will you, please?

The trouble is I'm totally comfortable with numbness at this juncture.

Loving this bizarre feel. Oh heck, weekend I'm gonna embrace you.

Edward Maya & Mia Martina - Stereo Love

Gets me going. :)

Love or Hatred?

There's nothing less than intricacy I'm feeling towards you right now.

You kinda messed me up more and more each time and I think I'm almost completely immobilized.

Has love transformed into hatred or does hatred makes me hanker for love?

I lost again.

I lost to myself.

Laughable horrid truth.

But the laceration gets dug deeper every time.

Will anyone redeem me, please?

Peace, please.

"If you want peace, stop fighting. If you want peace of mind, stop fighting with your thoughts."

-Peter McWilliams

It felt frighteningly surreal and I swore I trembled.

It was then that I realized I really cannot lose you and to be on the verge of losing you nearly made me felt faint.

I have not begged so hard before. I pushed myself and I know I had to do it. Because I cannot even imagine that's the end.

Thanks for not forsaking me. I hope it has strengthened us. I know it's silly, but I'm still not giving you up.

Self compassion

SH shared a fantastic and inspiring article with me this week. Something that relates to going easy and developing self compassion towards ourselves. He thinks that I should have more self compassion and cut myself some slack. It's scaringly true when he says that because I realized this is exactly what is happening.

The research suggests that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step towards better health.

Ok fine. I really need to go easy on myself. Self compassion, not self pity.

Just some moments ago, my tears leaped out gently but uncontrollably while I was texting SH.

I guess it was just one of those edges of exasperation all filled in a day and I'm just not able to contain them well anymore.

I often loathe myself for trying so hard not to fail people and yet the bitter truth is that I end up failing myself instead, pathetically.

It seems simple to resurrect the marred soul upon dawn. But when it gets wearied and beaten day after day, what is really left of me?

I can only count on little blessings. Thanks SH. Your words have sedated me very much already.

And I just hope for another better day, again.

I like this weekend

I think this weekend is quite close to perfect.

Yesterday, I caught up with some episodes of Coffee Prince. Went to some tailor shop in Ubi with SH but realised that they have temporarily ceased tailoring women's shirts. Helped SH with some selection of cloth designs for his shirts instead. Then he came over to my place for a while, downloaded videos for me and lent me Haruki Murakami's book to read. Sweet.

Went for toning class this morning. Adjourned to Sushi Tei for my favourite sashimi salad. Light lunch but contented. Went for a hair wash and treatment thereafter. And I revised a little Korean via my useful little handbook. Back home now and I'm going to treat my folks to dinner later.

Yay! I hope I'm recharged substantially. Last week at work had taken quite a toll on me. I don't really want to go through this frequently.

Breathe, breathe. SH always tells me this when I'm on the verge of descent. I will remember it.

Yippee!

Belated birthday present from Shihui, Cynthia and Liping. I heart it!

Adele - Someone Like You

You know that, don't you?

It gets tougher

I didn't know it can be this miserable.

I don't wish to lose you. Yet I quaver at your presence at times.

It's just such a hard and emotional tussle deep within me.

You just don't know how it hurts.

30

I turn 30 today.

And no, I didn't shudder nor fear this arrival.

In retrospect, I think it's a grand entrance to a bigger life which I'll be embracing more than I never imagined.

My birthday wish? I just want to have everything and everyone I deserve because I know they are worth waiting for.

Buddha Bar Sunrise - Missing

Were you even there at all?

Or have you always been missing?

The closer we are, the more I'm petrified of stepping onto your restricted boundaries.

I really don't want this anymore.

Because it stirs and it hurts.

Give me an answer, will you?

If only happiness can be this pure and simple.

I think I'm just saddled with blotches of insanity which has already decided not to disparate from my body for a long time.

God knows how long this will be.

I'm watching myself, hopefully with sanity.

Still, so much

I know you tried to indulge in me a little today.

Even if this was just one rare moment out of so many proximities between us, it is worth something to smile for.

Thanks for the sweet gestures. I know the outcome still amounts to zero but they actually mean so much to me, really.

I felt bliss that moment.

I need a good break and just a short-lived one will do fine.

So glad it's this weekend.

The present before 30

It's a birthday present for myself, before the big 3. :)

Buddha Bar VI - Daniel Masson - Sonargaon

I'm so in love with Buddha Bar's chillout music!

Buddha Bar IX - Sospiro - Bardo State

Totally feels blissful listening to this now to end a disorganised day. It can only get better.

Just Xann

Which one should I choose?