2010's last by myself

Another entire new year will be resetted to null at the stroke of 12am later.

This time around, when there's nobody physically with me to rejoice the cessation of a worthy year, I hope to embrace ushering of the new year myself and hopefully all senses and emotions will be heightened with just my own presence.

When just thinking about this now brings a smile on my face, I knew I've come to terms that perhaps this will be one of my best moments in 2010.

I hope 2011 will be awesome!

You probably didn't know, that is really all I've always pined for in this life.

Thank you.

Merry X'mas!

Absolutely love this year's Christmas eve which is so filled with simplicity-tinted happiness with awesome presences. One of the best I've ever endeavoured!

I think it's enough

I didn't know that I can still breathe on ephemeral spasms of happiness from you.

Maybe this is really sufficient.

"Security is a kind of death."

-Tennessee Williams

Kelly, no matter what kind of paths we have crossed during those years, you were a part of my life in little ways or another. I hope you are feeling more secured than ever up there.

Rest in peace.

CHIO!

my 2nd marathon!

Yeah.. completed gruellingly. But the results was not what I expected. Blame it on the insufficient rest last night and overly-glaring sun which screwed up the last stretch of the race. Nevertheless another achievement!

And the pleasant surprise was being able to see him after the whole ordeal. Thank you for the motivations via sms while I was still limping during the race, the wait, the drinks and sending me back. It made every inch of pain more tolerable.

So I was right all along.

It matters to you afterall.

I finally understood, though I really want to be in denial.

I finally understood.

Your staunched presence beside me some hours ago still lingers till now.

And now, I can't believe I'm already starting to yearn for you.

Just... thank you

Thank you for being able to understand why I'm upset over trivialities which shouldn't have occurred in the first place.

Thank you for offering light-hearted moments when you know it's the time to give.

Thank you for wording encouragement and support when you know I'm troubled.

Thank you for believing in me when I'm belittled by others.

Thank you for the amazing presence which I can't ask for more.

You resonate

You keep resonating.

It's just you and your resonances.

It's marring me.

And I can't rationalise anymore.

from The Tale of Genji

Not speaking is the wiser part.

And words are sometimes vain.

But to completely close the heart in silence,

gives me pain.

The Tea Cafe

I absolutely love this place!

the break

KL getaway with my folks was short but rejuvenating and I'm just plainly relishing the remaining of my leave.

Read, run and lots of work-outs will occupy my time and I can't wait to tell Thomas this Sun all that have happened.

"Everything passes, everything breaks, everything wearies."

11 days

I don't know if there will be emptiness of some sort.

But I'll definitely fill myself up so that the pining and longing won't keep coming back.

Just 11 days. I'll make it.

Just relish

Everything is gradually coming to light and that eased me a little. I do not hope it's still self-denial but enlightenment of some sort.

You know what's the worst feeling one can experience? Suppression. Why suppress then? Because I can no longer come to terms with the truth. Truth hurts, but perhaps it heals as well.

You know what's the worst regret one can have? Having to lose something before you even possess it. Would you regret, really? If so, would you pursue dauntlessly?

When something is unknown, the more we want to hold on to it. But if we start to dismantle them into pieces, will you still be obstinate and learn to put your emotions into perspective instead?

I suddenly realised what I thought was unconditional was just a facade. I'm not a saint afterall. If it had been unconditional, there'd be no expectations. I was in denial all the while and that saddens me alot.

Now it really feels like I'm gonna lose a battle before I even prepare myself to step into the battlefield. It's a tough internal tussle but I know I just want to end it soon before I turn into someone I do not know anymore. Because I do not wish to hanker for something which probably won't belong to me afterall, no matter how much time has passed.

So now I wish to choose the withdrawal option and the thought of it is scarring me so badly. But it's probably time, else the scars will leave me disfigured. It just takes courage and faith to believe that time will nurse everything. I need alot of time perhaps but I know I'll emerge again.

I'll just relish. Looks like this is the answer. It will just make everything less interwoven, I hope.

I totally abhor what I'm going through now.

The kind of intensified emotional roller-coaster that is slamming me up and down uncontrollably is setting my heart in deep vexation.

Why is the episode always the same? The more I want to evade, the more it seems hopeless and I can only wallow in self-empathy at the end of it.

I just want to break away. But it's just so tough because every single inch of thought related to him stirs badly.

Presence is actually worst than absence afterall, what an irony isn't it.

I just fucking hate myself now.

Vision of a Sunset (Shawn Stockman)

My all time favourite timeless ballad.

Suppressed.

Never ever this much.

I no longer know how to handle you anymore.

Bittersweet mixture.

I kept having dosages of it.

But I wished it was just you instead.

"We are always in search of the redeeming formula, the crystallizing thought."

~Etty Hillesum

It actually hurts me to realise that even if you are scarred and feel forsaken, I still hope to be the only good in you.

Adele - Chasing Pavements

I'm hooked to this song cuz it's so hauntingly awesome.

I've made up my mind,

Don't need to think it over,

if I'm wrong I am right,

Don't need to look no further,

This ain't lust,

I know this is love but,

If I tell the world,I

'll never say enough,

Cause it was not said to you,

And that’s exactly what I need to do,

If I'm in love with you,

Should I give up,

Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere,

Or would it be a waste?

Even If I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up

Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere.

I'd build myself up,

And fly around in circles,

Wait then as my heart drops,

And my back begins to tingle

Finally could this be it,

Or Should I give up,

Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere,

Or would it be a waste?

Even If I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up

Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere.

Should I give up,

Or should I just keep chasing pavements?

Even if it leads nowhere

明知我爱你

告诉你 瞒着你 只不过是个决定
放弃你 忘记你 只怕我无法前进
不知道为什么会如此莫名紧张你
我越了解你 越靠近你 越犹豫
明知道我爱你 却不敢告诉你
我害怕失去你 宁愿沉默不语
该如何整理 幸福在手里
我恨自己 无能为力
明知道我爱你 却不敢靠近你
我假装不在意 反而痛了自己
多痛都可以 不能没有你
只想永远永远爱你
你知不知道我也没关系

I love this song. But perhaps I'm the only fool who believes in it.

bail-less

Have you ever attached yourself to familiar suffering? People, incidences, places that constantly make you feel agonised but you never seem to be able to bail yourself out from it. That's it.

Everything is romanticized aren't they? I always fail to see that but it is happening almost all the time.

Fallen and fell. Literally and figuratively but of two different contexts. Next, to pick myself up or to be heavily bandaged?

Extremes always work for me. It's probably either just a straight plunge-through with no qualms to end the whole languish or continuously clinging on to this familiar suffering. But now, I fear the former and I resent the latter. Bail-less again.

I wished there were no stakes, and I can visualise things as they are. No disillusionment. But everything is not in sync anymore and it sets the heart in shambles.

It's a strange and bizarre concoction of emotions I'm feeling right now.

Almost deranged, yet there's still this slight consciousness and objectivity left in me.

Perhaps it just means I can't feel what I'm supposed to feel now. But trust me, whatever you're feeling now, sorrow or despondency, I'm feeling the same. I want to feel the same, so that I can be with you, physically or mentally.

It's insane. But I think I'm still going ahead with it. Because you said we shouldn't live in regrets.

The Boxer Rebellion "If You Run" (from the Going The Distance soundtrack)

Dig this song! Thanks to the movie Going the Distance.

Jan's purple sister dress

I'm so going to hit the gym later and eradicate those calories.

Bangkok getaway with Fiona last week was an excellent break, but I thought could be better if I'd ended up with more purchases. Pics soon!

Past week at work had been erratic as everything seems to be moving in tandem and it was painful to just plain focus on something. Hope I'll gain some momentum this coming week.

Till then, this is a Sunday quote for you.

The majority of people perform well in a crisis and when the spotlight is on them; it's on the Sunday afternoons of this life, when the nobody is looking, that the spirit falters.
~Alan Bennett

BKK I'm coming again

I'm coming tomorrow to boost your economy, Bangkok. Please grant me a fruitful trip! :)

It was just one of those days when just having a good cup of coffee at our daily Yakun hangout beats more than anything that took place today.

I'm an obstinate saint wanna-be and it truly serves me right, yet again.

He's right.. I'm not a saint and I need to breathe as well. I guess that's got to be the most comforting thing I heard today.

Exactly last quarter of the year is residual.

As much as I'd love to say I want to entirely embrace it before another year draws its curtains on me, truth be told, I feel I've been stretched to reach almost the maximum and almost depleted of much energy left in me.

I could most likely be able to continue to thrive on, whether or not it's on continued opposing or refreshing factors. Of course I crave for the latter.

For now, I'm slightly weakened but it's still an interesting tussle within me.

Just can't wait to unravel the rest.

bittersweet

The line between real possession and hankering for it seems very thin yet invisible to me at the same time.

What a bittersweet flavour. I need to relish every bit of it.

If only the repetition of images that had gone through in my mind can translate into a solid presence.

I promise I will clench tightly.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

~Mark Twain

The more I'm soaked in euphoria cast in his shadows, the more I'm petrified that one day, all memorable transactions between us will take flight to a nowhere land.

He's constantly interweaving warmth, angst, charm, unpredictability and high-spiritedness at the same time. It is not easy to handle but I wished it can last longer and not cease when reality approaches.

I now realise that rejoice can be heart-rending as well. But it is still something I wish to hold dearly to my heart.

I concede to this sweet temptation! Chocolate banana cake from Fruit Paradise... can't wait to sink my teeth into it later. :P

01:12:41

My timing for Shape Run 2 weeks back! So far my best timing for 10km that is... going to train hard for the full marathon in Dec!

caught up

It felt like I've slept for a decade.

But it was just 12 hours long.

Because I've not rested this much for god knows how long.

Thanks to the almost 4 hr gruelling bicycle ride under the scorching sun yesterday.

For someone who has lost all familarity with cycling, I should be quite proud of myself, nevermind the few collisions, partially sun-burnt body and those aching blue-black marks afflicted on my thighs and arms.

Glad I've caught up with lost sleep as well as a sport activity I thought I'll never cross path with again. :)

we

We spoke and shared some of our panoramas on love and human relationships, and I realised perhaps we are searching for something somewhat similar.

There are some emotions I've long forsaken and forgotten how to relive it. But some seemed to be returning back after he reminded me today that fate is the key and you can't run away once you are face to face with it.

It was a nice and uninhibited exchange, and it feels like a precious transaction between two people who will someday down the road, be led into somewhere they are worthy to be at.

distraction

YW advised me to seek another distraction from my current distraction.

But the current is too overwhelming I wished I could totally bail myself out, yet wanting to clasp tightly and never let go.

This distraction is bewildering enough. How to switch to another when I'm already hopelessly distracted?

SIGH.

wrong

Suddenly, what appears to be right seemed to be conjured all along.

I'm always on either extremes.

I'm always stretched to endless limits which should have been a depot somewhere, to nurse the slash marks.

I'm always self-abusive.

I realised this is just a realistic facade all along.

I'm mind-fucked.

Just wrong.

"There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."

-George Bernard Shaw

The body feels like it has been battered into a thousand pieces.

Somehow the soul doesn't seem to synchronize anymore.

All things meaningless now have never appeared to be so substantial before.

I believe unwinding back to that narrow enchanted path is near again.

sub-conscious

I've been pondering about the degree of sub-consciousness I possess, and slowly beginning to mull over people's as well.

Just how powerful this sub-consciousness is?

Are we consciously aware of our sub-conscious thoughts and emotions? Or we refuse to be conscious of it?

Will it translate into reality?

Is it a genuine reflection of our heart's most devoted yearning?

Sub-consciousness. I've been indulging in it and I wonder what it will turn me to.

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."

-Eddie Cantor

Super Junior-M(슈퍼주니어-M) - Super Girl (슈퍼걸)_뮤직비디오

Love this dancey upbeat song by Super Junior!

back from Tioman!

I love the sun, sea and the lovely people I went with!

sun-basking @ cafe del mar

Thanks Evy for the awesome sun-tanning session spent with me!

travel!

This is such an overdue post on my Genting trip with Charmaine, Andy and Ghim back in April. We had fun!

I can't wait for Tioman this week and Redang cruise 2 wks later!

untold

It shall remain untold.
It will prolong as a secret until my sanity and myself are astrayed.
Only the presence matters to me now.
Only to cherish the little possessions is invaluable now.

no time

Whenever I'm abandoned by time, I fought so hard to trace and capture those lost in transit flashes hoping to redeem myself. But who is not aware that we cannot turn back time? No we can't.

I've always lacked that courage to pursue what my heart really tells me to hence I resort to procrastination which is an evil vice no one should be doing. Once too late, it causes tyranny to myself and to others.

What now? It is creeping in slowly and I know it's going to tear me apart gently yet tortuously. But I don't want regrets but a decision which I can look back and still congratulate myself for plunging in courageously.

I know that I'll still end up resigning everything to what it should be. No chances. No gallantry. I'm just so not in tandem with my heart's truest desires.

More anguish over lost time? I hope not. I will try my best, really.

Empire State of Mind

I can't get enough of this. So heart-wrenching for me, yet liberating.

Enjoy Alicia Key's brilliant live singing. :)

Our walk...

From Fullerton Bay hotel to One Fullerton, to Esplanade then to Helix Bridge.... it was a breathtaking walk!

沒那麼簡單

Fantastic song by 黃小琥 which explicitly speaks of my psyche towards love at this juncture.

Come what may. Delirium is crucial. Just grab it while it lasts.

没那黱简单

就能找到聊得来的伴

尤其是在看过了那黱多的背叛

总是不安只好强悍

谁谋杀了我的浪漫

没那黱简单

就能去爱别的全不看

变得实际也许好也许坏各一半

不爱孤单一久也习惯

不用担心谁也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西

感觉累了就放空

自己别人说的话

随便听一听

自己作决定

不想拥有太多情绪

一杯红酒配电影

在周末晚上关上了手机

舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那黱容易

每个人有他的脾气

过了爱作梦的年纪

轰轰烈烈不如平静

幸福没有那黱容易

才会特别让人著迷

什黱都不懂的年纪

曾经最掏心

所以最开心曾经

When you really just want something so intensely, will you discard your rationality to go for it?

I still don't know if I would, but I know I'm swirled more resolutely with each passing day. I can no longer control the recapitulated desires and thoughts.

I can only self-subdue.

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self."

-Brendan Francis

Looks like I can only indulge with a sane mind.

deeper

I seem to be descending into a bottomless pit with nothing conclusive within. The pit that grabs hold of me dearly yet thrusting me aside leaving me perplexed and perturbed.

No idea how long this is going to linger, but one thing for sure is, it keeps me going unyieldingly.

audition

I haven't done this for the longest time.

I could feel my heart pulsating rapidly when the lines were ran through.

I know I want this.

Will I be chosen???

I'm starving.

But I need nothing less than equilibrium right now.

Melaka

Short getaway with Fiona during Good Friday weekend was refreshing.

Hotel Puri was fantastic, shopping had more to offer than expected and I got to savour authentic Peranakan food and chicken rice balls.

Not forgetting the cheap massages... 2 solid hrs of full body massage for RM$99 only!

We will definitely do this again. :)